Blog: sex

Sex: What happens when Bae is gone?

By Leah Sheppard

Sex: What happens when Bae is gone?

The emotional side of losing a partner is obvious. What isn’t talked about so much is the more primal-driven pass- time: Sex. Women crave sex just as much as men do, and the sudden loss of something so intimate and connecting can hurt just as much as being called ‘Single’ once again.

For women sex is deeply tied with emotion and establishing connections. Our inherent drive to mate with a suitable partner and bear offspring is one that evolved millions of years ago, and the various stages of love like intimacy and bonding with our mate are crucial elements to that drive.

Fast-forward a few millennia to the world of Tinder and drunken hook-ups, while our conscious goal in sex has taken on a new meaning, highlighting pleasure rather than making babies, that drive to procreate still remains underneath it all. Do you not wonder why then that it hurts so much when we lose a partner we have bonded to for so long? It creates loneliness and a desperate desire for intimacy that is hard to overcome. 

It is also the reason that sex can be so damn complicated for women, particularly after a breakup; and makes us have crazy rationalisations for situations - like falling for someone you’ve only had a one-night-stand with, constantly thinking about them and wondering how your life would be together!

Loneliness, and the desire for the intimacy we just lost can lead us to all sorts of things to get it back again:

  •  One-night-stands are a sure-fire way of getting- some but it never really fulfills what we are truly missing. ‘Hit it and quit it’ doesn’t always work with the female physiology either, nor does a (usually) half-drunk strangers’ attempt at getting you
  •  Affairs will leave you with disappointment and guilt, and the very likely outcome of another broken heart in the world – all because of
  •  And getting back together with your ex when you both haven’t healed just repeats the same cycle, and postpones the inevitable heartache to come some time in the future.

Being single is hard at first when all you want is for someone to hold you, and want you, and love you. You crave the touch, embrace, smell and kiss of another lover and that is completely natural. You are a loving and passionate creature with desires and needs and a whole lot of love to give.

But this is your reality for the moment, and there is no point pretending that it is not. In the greater scheme of life and the Universe, your path no longer runs together with that of the one you loved. It is painful but also necessary for the important things you will be doing in the future. Trust in that fact.

Hooking up with someone else in whichever manner you found them when you have not fully regained your emotional and psychological strength will not satiate your desires, nor replace the emptiness you feel. The solution is much deeper than that, and it will only come with time.

HOWEVER, that is not to say that one’s carnal yearning cannot be satisfied in the meantime. The longest and deepest relationship we will ever have in this world is with ourselves, and when it comes to sex this is no different. This time that you are alone is a gift and an opportunity to get to know yourself, what you like, and what you don’t like. I mean this with all the sincerity and honesty in the world: Porn and a vibrator are two of the best resources you will ever have. No judgement, time restrictions, or having to care about anyone else other than yourself. Masturbation will get you through the tough times, until you’re happy enough to get back into the real thing. Just go with it, and let time heal the rest.

sex after a breakup

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