Blog: love yourself

Contemplating suicide after your heart has been broken

By Leah Sheppard

Contemplating suicide after your heart has been broken
Going through a tough time after your breakup? Feeling like there's no hope for feeling happiness again? You're not alone; AND there is help :) Get some friendly advice for your heartache recovery now...

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Shame and embarrassment after a breakup

By Leah Sheppard

Shame and embarrassment after a breakup

Embarrassment is a feeling we all know and have felt way more often than we would like. From a young age we have understood what it’s like to do something that gains us the wrong sort of attention, and the absolute fearful desire to never have it happen again.

When it comes to a breakup, ‘embarrassment’ is unfortunately part of the terrain. Any of us who have been dumped before know that with rejection comes an unwanted shame, whether it was our fault or not. You weren’t good enough’; ‘you didn’t see it coming’; ‘you chose the wrong person, that’s why this happened to you’ – ‘You’, ‘You’, ‘You’. It’s amazing how we assume blame so easily when we run it back in our heads.

It’s even worse when it’s our friends, family and Facebook get to finding out too. Even if they aren’t saying it, we have this constant belief running through our minds that everyone is judging us for not being good enough to keep our partner, or saying ‘I told you so’; perhaps because we may have even done it to someone else in the past. Pitying looks, mutual friends with your ex may stop talking to you; and oh the unwanted spotlight that we get thrown into when Facebook announces we are ‘no longer in a relationship’. It’s hard because you so genuinely thought you were doing everything right, and suddenly it feels like you got everything wrong.

Look, we have waaaaay too much going on in life that we have to worry about without having to second-guess ourselves, and our abilities as a fully-functioning adult woman. Yes, being dumped is a kick in the guts, and yes we may have got some things wrong. But so what?! So what if we believed in happily-ever-after with our ex; So what if we chose someone to love that in the end didn’t love us back; So what if we chose to see the best in someone? These are the attributes of a caring, compassionate and loving individual, and being blind-sided by something you had absolutely no control over is NOT a reason to feel anything less than you are. Healthy reflection on your actions and attitude is fine; But running through every fault, and every deed you had done trying to reconcile why they left, and what you could have done to stop it only makes your recovery harder and more painful. It also makes you fearful for potential relationships in the future.

In our pursuit of happiness in life there will always be some stumbling blocks. There are so many things that you cannot control, and the actions of another are exactly one of those things. What you can control is the way you deal with it.

Treat your breakup like falling over on the street. You didn’t plan for it, you didn’t see it coming and it hurt like hell. Everyone may be looking, some may even laugh. But do you sit there on the sidewalk and tell yourself ‘I shouldn’t have gone outside’, ‘I should have kept my head down the whole time so that nothing would ever hurt me’.

No. You pick yourself up; you dust yourself off, and keep walking your fine ass down the road. You are a good person, with a kind heart that is going through some stuff and dealing with it the best you can. There is no room on this trip for anything or anyone trying to bring you down; only love and support – especially from yourself!

Remember, one foot in front of the other; and dream, risk, hustle and repeat as necessary.

embarrassment after breakups

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Sex: What happens when Bae is gone?

By Leah Sheppard

Sex: What happens when Bae is gone?

The emotional side of losing a partner is obvious. What isn’t talked about so much is the more primal-driven pass- time: Sex. Women crave sex just as much as men do, and the sudden loss of something so intimate and connecting can hurt just as much as being called ‘Single’ once again.

For women sex is deeply tied with emotion and establishing connections. Our inherent drive to mate with a suitable partner and bear offspring is one that evolved millions of years ago, and the various stages of love like intimacy and bonding with our mate are crucial elements to that drive.

Fast-forward a few millennia to the world of Tinder and drunken hook-ups, while our conscious goal in sex has taken on a new meaning, highlighting pleasure rather than making babies, that drive to procreate still remains underneath it all. Do you not wonder why then that it hurts so much when we lose a partner we have bonded to for so long? It creates loneliness and a desperate desire for intimacy that is hard to overcome. 

It is also the reason that sex can be so damn complicated for women, particularly after a breakup; and makes us have crazy rationalisations for situations - like falling for someone you’ve only had a one-night-stand with, constantly thinking about them and wondering how your life would be together!

Loneliness, and the desire for the intimacy we just lost can lead us to all sorts of things to get it back again:

  •  One-night-stands are a sure-fire way of getting- some but it never really fulfills what we are truly missing. ‘Hit it and quit it’ doesn’t always work with the female physiology either, nor does a (usually) half-drunk strangers’ attempt at getting you
  •  Affairs will leave you with disappointment and guilt, and the very likely outcome of another broken heart in the world – all because of
  •  And getting back together with your ex when you both haven’t healed just repeats the same cycle, and postpones the inevitable heartache to come some time in the future.

Being single is hard at first when all you want is for someone to hold you, and want you, and love you. You crave the touch, embrace, smell and kiss of another lover and that is completely natural. You are a loving and passionate creature with desires and needs and a whole lot of love to give.

But this is your reality for the moment, and there is no point pretending that it is not. In the greater scheme of life and the Universe, your path no longer runs together with that of the one you loved. It is painful but also necessary for the important things you will be doing in the future. Trust in that fact.

Hooking up with someone else in whichever manner you found them when you have not fully regained your emotional and psychological strength will not satiate your desires, nor replace the emptiness you feel. The solution is much deeper than that, and it will only come with time.

HOWEVER, that is not to say that one’s carnal yearning cannot be satisfied in the meantime. The longest and deepest relationship we will ever have in this world is with ourselves, and when it comes to sex this is no different. This time that you are alone is a gift and an opportunity to get to know yourself, what you like, and what you don’t like. I mean this with all the sincerity and honesty in the world: Porn and a vibrator are two of the best resources you will ever have. No judgement, time restrictions, or having to care about anyone else other than yourself. Masturbation will get you through the tough times, until you’re happy enough to get back into the real thing. Just go with it, and let time heal the rest.

sex after a breakup

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